Is Anything Genuine?

Oregairu is about an unlikable cynical friendless anti-social high school loner loser (Hachiman Hikigaya). Hachiman Hikigaya makes people very uncomfortable, and he pushes anyone who tries to get close to him away. Despite all of this, he is true to himself and he isn't putting on a mask to get people to like him. He's completely OK with getting rejected because he wants to be alone. In fact, he explains his philosophy through various essays attacking the very institution's idea of social expectations and responsibilities imposed upon him.

1. Youth is a lie

"Youth is a lie. It is nothing but evil. Those who look to rejoice in their youth deceive themselves and those around them. Accepting in full the circumstances that devour them. In the face of the great and reverent word youth they will twist any common interpretation or accepted notion out of recognition. In their minds, lies, secrets, sins, and even failure are nothing more than the spice of youth. If failure is truly the designated mark of one's youth then would it not be considered abnormal for one not in his youth to still fail at befriending anyone. But I am sure none of them would admit to that being true. They only define youth to their own benefit. In conclusion, I leave you with this: all you fools who delight in youth, drop dead." - Hachiman

There is no point in having friends or relationships or doing fun things. Kids are emotionally immature and irrational. Friendships and Relationships are all shams. Most conversations are filled with stupid pointless drama gossip crap. It's all fake and bullshit. No progress is getting made. No value is being generated. There is no point.

2. Groups are of no benefit to individual

"It is in the nature of animals to live in groups. Carnivorous maintain a hierarchy. Those who don't become the alpha must shoulder the stress their entire lives. An herbivore must surely feel the dilemma of sacrificing their peers in order to survive attacks from their natural enemies. This is why living in groups is no benefit to the individual. As such, I choose to take the path of the bear, which never lives in groups. Bears are known for being solitary creatures that feel no insecurity having to live alone." - Hachiman

Friend groups are all tribal charades. Once people have their friend groups made they don't want anything to do with you. Friend groups consist of people just talking about pointless stupid things anyway. And there's always a hierarchy - you would always have to be kissing up to someone's ego. Instead, you would grow a lot more as an individual by learning on your own. You never get rejected and aren't dependent on anyone.

3. Work is slavery

"People in ancient times believed that to work was to lose. Manuel labor requires high risk to earn high returns. Therefore my decision to start a family without working is appropriate and entirely justifiable. This is why I have decided that requesting my home be the work place for a stay at home dad is perfect for my career observation." - Hachiman

Most modern work and jobs are bullshit and completely pointless. They just exist so we can make money to survive. They are all temporary filling spots for AI later down the road. We are not psychologically designed to work some bullshit for the majority of our lives.

4. Participation is a waste of time

"'It's taking part that counts'. These words became famous after the father of modern Olympics Pierre de Coubertin used them in a speech. But some say that quote is frequently misused and is used as a coercion tool to force participation. Yet there are countless situations in society where its a waste to even show up. If it's taking part that counts, then taking part in the side that doesn't take part should also count right? If everything can be chalked up to experience, then the experience of experiencing nothing should be worth just as much. The fact is, the simple act of not getting experience could be just as priceless." - Hachiman

Participating in events does not benefit the individual when the event is useless and a waste of time. You can just get as much as value without any participation at all.

As the series progresses, each of these philosophies are going to be heavily deconstructed and challenged. The conclusion, will show how that having a genuinely fulfilling life will change the way you see it. That life isn't inherently meaningless or useless if we can properly learn how to cultivate healthy genuine fulfilling relationships with yourself and others. That's the problem though, how can we make it healthy and genuinely fulfilling?

People Are Fake And Superficial To Match Social Expectations

"She has the whole package really. She's friendly, always smiling and conversational. Truly any guys ideal women. But ideals are ideals. They are not real. So it seems kind of fake." - Hachiman

High School is a copycat game. Everyone fakes their personalities and identities to match what is socially acceptable in the culture. If everyone has a social media app then they have to have that social media app. If someone is popular or well liked for "something" then they also too have to have that "something". If they aren't then they won't be able to make friends or get into relationships. Unfortunately though, this creates a culture that isn't really genuine. Nobody is doing anything because they genuinely want to, rather, they're doing it because they all want to be liked. It's external instead of internal. And because of this, everyone is always looking to one up each other. It all becomes gossip and group/tribal like.

"From the beginning, you've only been saying words that have no real substance...You speak in terms that are mistaken for actual communication here. Which means nothing actually gets done. There's no way to make progress like this. You won't produce anything, you won't get anything, you won't help anything. It's all so fake." - Yukino

There is this common idea in this show that being fake is ultimately the worst quality someone could have. You can have friends, be popular, or be well liked but if it's all fake then it won't matter. How, then can someone be real, or genuine, or not fake?

"Remember Hikigaya, the thing you and I hate most is being superficial." - Yukino

When you're surrounded by closed social bubbles and echo-chambers its easy to think that the worldview you're seeing is accurate. We tend to carve out these thinking patterns unconsciously to match our perceptions because that is what feels safe and comfortable.

"We've got a mostly positive response from social media!" - Iroha

"That may be the case on social media, it's also just as crucial to listen to the opinions that are not directly out in the open."

If we want friends, and relationships, then we must be tribal. We must agree with the popular opinion while hiding our own true opinion. We must be fake. We must fulfill the social standards and social expectations set by the culture... Even if those social standards and social expectations aren't in our own best interests. We must never be vulnerable otherwise we risk being alone forever... Right?

"Damn that looks really rough. Are they a feudal society or what? If you have to kiss up people that much to feel complete I'd rather fly solo forever." - Hachiman

But Hikigaya doesn't play this social game. Hikigaya doesn't really care about making friends or having relationships or even fitting in. He has pretty much given up on all of that. His philosophy is simple: he doesn't bother anyone and nobody bothers him. He doesn't hurt anyone and nobody hurts him. It isn't that he isn't fake, but rather he's just not a social conformist. In fact, he is extremely anti-social and lacks basic social hygiene. And because of that, he gets himself in trouble a lot.

After reading his essays, Hiratsuka Shizuka, his advisor, forces him to join the service club.

People Build Defense Mechanisms In Order To Not Get Hurt

The leader of the service club, Yukino Yukinoshita, has a very similar personality to that of Hachiman.

"Yukinoshita carries the pain of someone who has more than others. It shouldn't be too hard to hide that and go through life lying to everyone. After all, that's what people do in this world. But Yukinoshita doesn't do that. She would never lie to herself." - Hachiman

Yukino is very much like Hachiman in that she has similar behaviors: she gets socially rejected, she doesn't want to open up, and she wants to work on her own by herself... But unlike Hikigaya she actually wants to actively help people get better.

"In grade school, my indoor shoes were taken and hidden from me about 60 times. 50 of those times were done by other girls. And it was all thanks to them that I had to take my indoor shoes and my recorder home everyday." - Yukino

"Sounds like you had a rough time." - Hachiman

"Yes it was rough. It was because I'm pretty. But then, it can't be helped can it? Although nobody can be considered perfect, people are weak, they're ugly. They get jealous and try to bring others down. Oddly enough, the better you're the harder it is to live. Don't you think that's wrong somehow? But I can and will change it." - Yukino

Now initially, Hikigaya and Yukinoshita don't really like each other. They're like dead fish, but they can still tolerate each other probably due to their similar personalities. It's kind of funny. They sit far away from each other and just read the whole time.

Hiratsuka realizes that trying to connect these two are going to take a bit of work. Both of these characters are putting up walls, they are putting up defensive mechanisms. And the reason why is because they don't want to get hurt. But the problem is, you can't build relationships without taking those walls down. So she forces a competition between Yukinoshita and Hikigaya on who can better help people. The winner will allow the loser to do whatever they want. This allows them to stay together for at least a little bit.

However, one person is going to put a wrench into this whole thing: Yui Yuigahama

Yui is social, she is extroverted, outgoing, nice, and a social conformist. She is basically the polar opposite of the two. She abides by groups and society in order to make friends.

Hikigaya and Yukino initially aren't really receptive to Yui. I mean, they help her with baking, but there's a misunderstanding. She's like, 'Oh, we're friends now, right? We can talk to each other and have conversations and hang out.' And they aren't as receptive to that.

"Hiki your late! They all went to the restaurant already." - Yui

"Well aren't you going as well?" - Hikigaya

"Huh, oh no, I was waiting for you to come down. I mean I feel bad leaving you behind and all." - Yui

"You're a really nice person Yui Yuigahama, but listen you don't have to worry about me anymore. It was a total fluke that I saved your dog, you know. Even if I hadn't gotten into the accident, I probably still would've been alone. You don't need to feel bad about that. Sorry, I guess I made you worry about me. But you don't have to anymore. If that is why you're being nice... Then just stop it." - Hikigaya

"Oh no, it's not really like that at all hiki... Jerk." - Yui

After rejecting Yui, Hikigaya talks about this idea of nice girls and superficial relationships.

The reason why Hiki is the way he is, is the same reason why Yukino is the way she is: they don't want to be vulnerable, because they don't want to get hurt. You know, that pain of rejection and abuse. They aren't social conformists and they feel like they won't be able to click with normies in an emotionally healthy way that deeply shares their values because their values conflict with the very social conformist ideas that normies value. Therefore, if normies do figure out their vulnerabilities, they can use those to manipulate them, emotionally abuse them, or painfully reject them. Better to just not make friends or emotionally invest in anyone at all to avoid that.

Yui, however, finds it easy to bring her walls down and be social because she is a social conformist. She's a normie. She can just blend in by accepting the mainstream idea or values of the current culture and society.

"Ok, super cool. I've managed to complete reset. By resetting our relationship like this, I regain my inner peace and Yugi Yuigahama is free from her sense of obligation, so she can return to her fulfilling daily life...You can't reset life, but you can reset human relationships." - Hikigaya

When you cut yourself off from society, you think you're cutting yourself off from all the people who genuinely hate you, but you're also cutting yourself off from all the people who genuinely love you too. If you want genuinely fulfilling relationships you need to risk being vulnerable. You need to risk being hated and disliked. You need to truly connect with someone's vulnerabilities to create an emotional connection. There are people who are compatible with your vulnerabilities, but there are also people who aren't. This becomes a game of trial and error. If you're practicing it right, the more you throw yourself out there, the luckier you usually get.

Ideas are complex and multi-faced. They need to be challenged all the time. Normies who are obedient and just conform to everything aren't thinking up new thoughts and thus are incredibly boring to be around. And this is the social dilemma isn't it?

You want to be interesting → You can't be interesting if you just conform to everything → You need to conform to everything if you want to be socially accepted by people → But you also won't be socially accepted by people if you aren't interesting → To be interesting you have to take deviations from social conformity

Anyway, Yui decides to never show up to the club again. Hiratsuka is not having it, so she forces Yukino and Hachiman to recruit a new member to the club. Since Yui was already a past club member, they use her birthday as an excuse to apologize to her, invite her back to the club, and give her a present.

"If it's over, all you have to do is start over again. Neither of you has done anything wrong. Even if one of you is the savior and the other is the saved, you're both victims equally. Only the one who has done wrong should be viewed as the aggressor here. If neither of you were wrong, there is no need to fight in the first place. So the two of you can make a proper start now." - Yukino

They learn how to forgive each other. This is really important because they learn that it's ok to have differences. All relationships and friendships are going to have disputes. If they don't then they aren't real. These disputes are often protected by defense mechanisms. The problem is that these defense mechanisms can be completely irrational. If there is no rational reason to have them, then you're much better off lowering your defense mechanisms so you two both can forgive each other. Both parties need to learn to let it go. This may sound simple or trivial, but it is probably the best indicator on whether a long-term relationship is going to survive.

It Can Be Very Hard To Overcome Social Exclusion And Rejection

"They're all idiots." - Rumi

"Well that's how most people are in the world. Good for you for realizing it." - Hachiman

Relationships can be very toxic, but friend groups can be even more toxic. Tsurumi, Rumi gets socially excluded and rejected by her classmates, so she just completely gives up on trying to socialize.

"I am different from others." - Rumi

"What do you mean by different?" - Hachiman

"They're all such kids. So I'd figure I'd just be alone...Someone always says something and everyone else just jumps onboard. After doing that for a while, before I knew it I was the one being excluded. It's not like I really did anything to them." - Rumi

When friend groups don't like you, growing up can be really hard. Groups can exploit, exaggerate, or manipulate your flaws behind your back. You can be surprised by how irrational the reasoning behind this is. And yet we're pressured evolutionary to socialize and make friends despite all of this. Honestly trying to force people into toxic friend groups can actually make the situation worse. Social Media amplifies this entire issue to such an unnecessary extreme.

"Look here, most people aren't really friends with everyone. Usually just a few... You barely have 1%. No more than a typical margin of error. It doesn't even count." - Hachiman

"My mom always asks me if I am getting along with my friends. She even told me to take lots of pictures of camp with this new camera she gave me. And so I feel like an insect that is beneath everyone when they are busy ignoring me. I know it kind of sucks. I feel pathetic, but that is how it is. So there is no changing it now. I turned my back on them, so we can't continue being friends. Even if I could, things my end up like this again at any moment, so I should leave things at they're." - Rumi

"She's given up completely. It's said that if you change, the world changes with you, but that is not true. When people judge others, it's with prejudices and existing impressions. People who are alone are pressured to stay alone. If they work hard to stand out, others only use that to hurt them." - Hachiman

Friend groups can play psychological games to make you feel like crap. When you're only around very toxic people, you tend to think that all people are like that and so you end up not wanting to be associated with anyone. But that's not true. What's tough about growing up, is when you're young people especially tend to be very emotionally immature and insecure. Multiply that behavior by a group (especially online) and it can turn into a disaster. Connecting back to the conforming to social standards idea, anyone who is seen as "different" is immediately ostracized by the group. When Normies FEEL someone is different they will just come up with an irrational reason to exclude you which won't make any sense. Again a lot of this is completely irrational, and without further context it's almost impossible to explain. The solution isn't to isolate yourself, but rather find groups who contain people who are emotionally mature and share your values.

"The world, our society, people around us. There are plenty of times when someone else is to blame. Saying 'I can change myself' is just admitting defeat. It's only done so people can adapt to this cold cruel world and become it's slave."

This isn't necessary the right idea. It's really easy to fall into this victim mindset. A good way to beat this, isn't to stop trying to join or create friend groups, but rather facilitate healthy genuine friend groups. Although, it might not be easy to find them.

Healthy Genuinely Fulfilling Friend Groups

• Shares Values
• Shares Hobbies
• Shares Vulnerabilities
• Shares Life Situations
• Works To Become Better
• Emotionally Mature
• Doesn't Gossip Or Harass
• Active Participation

I have been apart of healthy friend groups and toxic friend groups and I can tell you the difference is night and day. When you're apart of a healthy fulfilling friend group parts of you feel more alive and connected than ever before. When you're apart of an unhealthy friend group you'll want to die from the sheer amount of pain from the verbal/emotional abuse and harassment imposed upon you. It can be very traumatic.

Other than that though, I generally recommend to build True Confidence, so even if you do get rejected it's not going to affect you as much. And also when you're happy with yourself, people generally respect you more and they don't try to latch onto your vulnerabilities so they can emotionally abuse/harass you later.

Now lets go to Yukino, because she has a very similar experience to that of Rumi.

"I became the subject of my classmates gossip, so I decided to come here. I don't understand why they like that kind of talk." - Yukino

"Always unable to find a place to belong without a pillar of support. Hiding in the crowd, going with the flow, following everyone else's paths until it runs into an unseen wall." - Yukino

When you aren't in hobbies you like and are just following the social norm, things start getting murky, and unclear. If you're unlucky you'll get rejected and feel unwanted by everyone. And it'll really suck. It’s sucks because especially at that age you have such a strong desire to be accepted by people. And when you're not it can be really painful. So to shield yourself from that pain, you'll try to become independent. Do things on your own. To not be reliant on others at all. However, this also gets you rejected, (maybe even more harshly) but at least this time you won't care as much.

"I was the obedient girl who never gave anyone any trouble. People talked. Called me stuck up, unpleasant. And other things behind my back." - Yukino

"Yeah, you know, I got that as well." - Hachiman

Interdependence > Codependence

When you're dealing with people, you don't want to be overly dependent on them. This is the main conflict presented in the show over and over again. Both Yukino and Hachiman find it better to be independent. However, being fully independent isn't what the show is trying to teach us.

"Is doing things alone really a bad thing? Collaboration isn't always a guarantee, so why should someone who is always worked hard on their own be denied?" - Hachiman

We all know that group dynamics can really suck when you're not around good people. But one of things Hiratsuka tries to teach Hachiman, is that no matter how independent you are, life doesn't necessarily have an answer. We are never really truly independent. We can carve out our paths for ourselves and it's nice when people help us along the way, but they're not carving the path for us... We are. But even the path we're carving doesn't really make sense. There is no rhyme or reason to any of this. None of it makes sense. Being a little bit more independent makes it easier for us to control the path, but despite this we still unconsciously crave dependent desires. The key is, to cultivate our relationship with them in a healthy way.

"I can think of a number of things that I wanted to do and become. There were also a lot of things I equally didn't want to do or become as well. Each time I would choose carefully. I would try it out, screw up, give up then choose again, it's nothing but an endless cycle. And I'm still in it." - Hiratsuka

Now this is where Haruno, Yukino's sister comes into play. She is probably one of my favorite characters in the entire show just from her ability to read people. She is able to read the relationship between Hachiman, Yui, and Yukino right away. She off the bat already knows that these three are not being honest with each other, and already heavily invested in each other.

"The word is codependency. Feels nice for having her rely on you right? But that codependency is over now. Yuki will now learn to be independent and finally become an adult." - Haruno

They do start off as independent, but as they talk to each other, they start relying on each other more and more. It can be really easy to fall into this trap when you don't have things in your life that internally fulfill you.

She is also looking out for her sister here. She wants to understand how Hachiman is going to approach this situation. She doesn't want her sister to get hurt and be entirely dependent on him. And her sister, understands this dynamic too.

"The bonds between people are like some types of drugs. Before you know it, you become dependent on them." - Hachiman

Instead, a much healthier dynamic is a interdependent relationship. Where you're still maintaining your own identity and values, by yourself, but you still contribute and participate in relationships/friends/groups - you're just not over reliant on them for your self-worth. Again this connects back to the idea of having healthy friend groups.

But cultivating Interdependent relationships can be difficult because...

Communication Is Difficult Because Our Language Is Flawed And We All Interpret Things Differently

Feelings, Personalities, and Relationships are extremely diverse and complicated. Trying to communicate them effectively can be very difficult because our words don't describe them entirely accurately.

"Even if we know each other, understanding one another is a totally different problem." - Yukino

Case in point, Isshiki Iroa. Iroa is a candidate for student council president. However, she doesn't want to run or get elected. She was chosen by mistake. The problem is, nobody else wants to be student council president. But the student council president is important, so you can't sham the whole thing. So the service club has a big problem here. And the members disagree on how to find the solution for it.

Now I am going to summarize the details of this because it's pretty boring: basically Yukino wants to run for student council president, but if she wins it'll lead to the breakdown of the club, so Hachiman comes up with a plan to get Iroa to win, so Yukino has to back out. This works - I'm not going to get into the details, but even though this stops Yukino from running and keeps the club together - overall it strains the relationships between Hachiman and Yukino.

Remember, Yukino is the club leader. If things break down the entire club breaks down. And it gets even worse. The Student Council president, Iroa, ends up needing help with her first project, setting up the Christmas event, so she goes to the Service club for help.

Now imagine if you wanted to be president, but you have to drop out because the other candidate had more votes than you. Now imagine if that other candidate who just won asked you for help on their very first task. I mean why on earth would you want to help?

So Hikigaya tries to solve this on his own again and keep Irahu out of the service club. He tells her in private that he will help her, but the problem is he realizes very quickly that setting up the Christmas Event is going to be a lot harder than it looks. And Yukino finds out that he's helping Irahu on his own accord and not being honest with her.

"If we can be torn apart this easy, then we weren't that close to begin with" - Yukino

And so she tells him not to show up to the club anymore. Now he really doesn't know how to approach the situation. The Christmas event is looking harder and harder to set up. He is now forced to do something he really does not want to do.

"My real reason to act was... Because there was something I wanted." - Hachiman

Shizuka comes back into the picture to help him realize on how and why he should communicate his deeper most feelings.

"People's thoughts and emotions aren't always the same. That's why they sometimes seem to come to completely irrational conclusions that confuse us. That's also why Yukino, Yui, and you yourself, give the wrong answers. There is one thing at the root of this - it's the heart... Keep calculating until there is nothing left. Think of all the answers and then squash them one by one. And then what's left is your answer." - Shizuka

"Your crazy you know that." - Hachiman

"And your an idiot. If you could calculate feelings we would have them on hard drives by now. The last answer, the one your unable to solve, that's what we call human emotions." - Shizuka

"You should really stop and think about why you don't want to hurt them and you should have that answer immediately... But you know Hikgaya, you should know that it's impossible to never hurt anyone. Simply just by existing we will unconsciously manage to hurt someone...However when it's someone you don't care about, you won't even notice if you hurt them. What's necessary is self-awareness. When you feel like you're hurting someone, it proves that you care about them. That's what caring for people is about. You must be prepared to hurt that person even when you try not to." - Shizuka

"Just keep on thinking and struggling. Flounder in your distress. If you don't do that, it isn't genuine." - Shizuka

In Order To Be Truly Genuine, We Have To Be Honest Even If We/They Don't Understand And It Hurts Them/Us

So this becomes the most important scene in the entire show. The day after Yukino tells Hachiman to never show up to the club again he goes right up to Yui and Yukino in the clubroom and pours his heart out.

"There are things you have to tell us or we won't get it. But then, there are things we won't get even if you do say it...Expecting people to understand without words is delusional. But, but I.. I just... I don't only want words. There was certainly something I wanted all along. Not understanding each other, becoming good friends, being together, sharing together, or anything else like that. I don't need to be understood. I want to understand... Wanting to understand completely is a terribly self-righteous tyrannical arrogant desire. It's really disgraceful and nauseating. Holding that desire is so disgusting I can't stand it. But if we can both share that desire, if we can burden each other with that ugly self-satisfaction, and if we can allow that type of relationship to exist, I know that type of relationship is completely impossible. I know that, that type of thing is not within my reach. And yet... And yet I find... I really want something genuine!" - Hachiman

He is basicaly saying he wants something genuine, despite everything.

But why is vulnerability so good here?

Because if they don't want something genuine, they will tell him straight up. If they do, then they'll accept his vulnerabilities. And that's the power of vulnerability. It's the clearest way to know whether you both are on the same page even if it doesn't necessarily make sense.

After hearing this Yukino runs away. Why does she run away? Well she is conflicted. At one point, she has some feelings for him, but at another point she doesn't want to get too close - she wants to be independent. She is terrified. Again, she has these defense walls built. There is this deep fear of vulnerability. His actions also aren't matching his words. I mean what does he even mean by 'genuine?'

The hard part is, things that are real and genuine are often polarizing, vulnerable, and difficult to talk about. That is exactly why so many aspects of the social world are so fake. We don't want to feel or talk about certain things that are real because it's just too painful.

But yeah, they eventually reconnect with her. Both Yui and Yukino agree to help Hachiman with the Christmas event. Moving forward, the entire dynamic of the relationship between Yukino and Hachiman changes. As Yukino starts trusting Hachiman more, she begins opening up to him more about her vulnerabilities. The conversations get a lot more real and, well, genuine.

There is a deep truth behind this. If you're able to show your own vulnerabilities then people will open up to you to show you there's. A trust is established. A bond is created.

Remember, trying to get everyone to like you comes from deep feelings of not being wanted. Much better to just aim for genuine fulfilling experiences.

"If I could get what I wanted, I wouldn't wish for anything or want for anything. The things I try to get are hardly ever genuine, nor would I really want it. And I'll surely lose it someday. So I think, that I will keep searching for it." - Hachiman

Even though we want genuine fulfilling experiences, achieving them is entirely different matter. David Foster Wallace had an excellent saying about all of this: The mind is an excellent servant, but a terrible master. Genuine fulfilling things are often not the most visible, and they're not the most popular. They're often things that go completely over our head.

It's funny I had an experience with someone in real life not too long ago. They were a complete stranger to me, but I made them laugh really hard. The joy I got from that interaction was more genuinely fulfilling then all the experiences I felt from the past year. It's almost as if, interacting with people in real life than online is much healthier for us, psychologically.

But this is where being an intelligent consumer comes into play. Realizing how our consumer habits are affecting our genuine experience is what is most vital. The needy trap is really easy to fall into. Genuine relationships can turn into artificial and fake really quickly. Where you don't feel like you're getting anywhere. What ends up happening is things start getting boring. How do we make them, not boring?

"Instead of making any progress, it just keeps going around in circles." - Hachiman

"I don't want vague answers or any superficial relationships. I'm totally serious. I don't want that. I know I am being stupid. I know it'll never be that way. And I know how this will end. I'll end up being left with nothing again. Even so, I want us to think, to suffer. And struggle. And I..." - Hachiman

When you're in relationships, you want something that feels real and genuine. You're going to die one day, so what's the point if you can't get that experience? So how do we get that? How do we get that genuine authentic behavior in our relationships and our friendships?

Well, it all starts with ourselves. We have to cultivate that genuine and authentic behavior our own life first. When you're dealing with a lot of lies and fakery it can be hard to figure out what is truly genuine.

So, moving ahead here, there is a scene where Yukino, Yui, and Hachiman are making cookies. Here's the thing, it's pretty obvious at this point that Yui and Yukino are getting feelings for Hachiman. But they're not communicating that. And this doesn't seem like the same Hachiman from the start. Wouldn't Hachiman complain that making cookies is stupid and pointless? You can get the same cookies down the street. Doesn't it seem like a waste of time? What is really going on here?

"Is this what you call genuine? Are these the kind of things that you feel are genuine to you." - Haruno

"You guys are pretty boring here." - Haruno

Haruno calls them out. She's like, you guys are hypocrites. You think you're genuine? You think you're real? You think I don't see what's really going on? You're all faking your personalities. I know deep down what you are repressing.

And of course she knows this. She's been at this game longer than they have. In one particular scene she tells Hachiman that she can never really get drunk:

"I am telling you I am really not drunk. Maybe I'm the type that can't get drunk. No matter how much I drink, there's always a part of me that remains calm. Even if I laugh and I get wild, I feel like it's not actually me doing it." - Haruno

But what does she mean when she says drunk? She doesn't mean actual drunk. What does she mean?

"You can never get drunk." - Haruno to Hachiman

When she tells him that he can never get drunk, what she means is that he can never make himself vulnerable. If you are hiding things, then it's not genuine. These two girls gaining feelings for him and if he is feeling things for one of them, then he better be honest about it. Because if he isn't then it's going to throw all his genuineness out the window.

"You spew only lies and you never say how you truly feel." - Haruno

"Trust me, I've done my own share of deceiving for 20 years so I know all too well. My entire life has been nothing but a disastrous sham." - Haruno

"I only want to witness what is truly genuine... Does something like genuine, really ever exist?" - Haruno

In order for things to be genuine, they have to be real. In order for them to be real, they have to be vulnerable. And in order for them to be vulnerable, we need to be truly honest with what we are thinking and feeling... Even when people don't understand ... Even when we don't even understand ... Even when we risk hurting others... Even when we risk being disliked by others ... We have to be honest, otherwise it isn't genuine.

This makes me think back to another David Foster Wallace quote: "The most obvious important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about"

"We want to remain true to ourselves, but who gets to decide that? Who gets to control who we are as people? When our image never really matches with reality, where can we find something genuine?" - Hachiman

Another social dilemma, how can we create genuine real experiences when we don't even percieve reality correctly? Our entire perception systems are fake, so how can we even classify anyone/anything as real or fake? Based on how it makes us feel?

Hachiman meets with Shizuka one last time, for one more important lesson on how to express your vulnerabilities.

"Can you pack all your feelings into one word?" - Shizuka

"Of course not...this is something that words can't convey." - Hachiman

"You already have the answer inside of you, you just don't know how to let it out in the way it needs to be." - Shizuka

"If you can't solve this is one word, then use all the words you need. If you can't trust the words, then you can pair them up with actions. You can use any words or take any actions that you would like. Let each of them become a dot to connect, until you managed to form your answer." - Shizuka

It's very similar to what she said before. It's impossible to express your feelings in one word. Or even in a group of words. Or maybe even actions. But pair them all together and do the best you can. If whoever is feeling anything back, then they'll understand. It doesn't have to make sense.

"I hope all normies drop dead!" - Sizuka

And by the way, I love this teacher. I'm saving this quote. I don't care.

So Hachiman uses this advice to tell Yukino how he truly feels about her. He finally allowed himself to be truly vulnerable: to say what he is truly thinking and feeling inside...

"That's why...This is extremely embarrassing for me to say and I'd like to drop dead right now, but that stuff about taking responsibility was insufficient. I feel no obligation. It's more I want it or rather I want you to let me have it...It might not be something you're wishing for. But I want to continue being involved with you. This isn't about obligation, but desire. So please allow me the privilege of distorting your life." - Hachiman

"There is something else you should be saying." - Yukino

"I can't say it. No way. You think I can put that into words." - Hachiman

Well that's the most least straight forward way I've ever heard. Regardless, just straight up tell them that you desire them unconditionally. It's vulnerable and gets to the point.

Now she'll be vulnerable back. The final piece will just be to accept her vulnerabilties and insecurities as is. Accept her for who she really is.

"I think I may be a very tiresome person to deal with. I've done nothing but cause you problems. I'm stubborn, not charming... I feel like I'll only become more useless as I continue to rely on you." - Yukino

"It's fine. I don't mind how tiresome you get or how burdernsome. I can say that's a good thing." - Hachiman

Ok now let's go back to the four essays he talked about in the beginning...

1. Youth is a lie

Youth isn't a lie. Youth can be extremely emotionally fulfilling if you are able to create genuine friendships/relationships.

2. Groups are of no benefit to individual

Groups can be extremely beneficial to the individual if the individual is able a cultivate interdependent relationships with the group.

3. Work is slavery

Work isn't slavery when you love what you're doing.

5. Participation is a waste of time

Participation isn't a waste of time when you love the things you're participating in.

Building a more genuine authentic life true to yourself will change the way you see it. But how close you get to that will depend on how honest you're willing to be with yourself. How many difficult conversations you're willing to have with yourself. It's one of the only things that makes me feel alive.

TLDR

• If you're fake and superficial in order to match social expectations (normies), then you won't be able to cultivate real genuine connections
• In order to cultivate real genuine connections you need to find out what is true in yourself and cultivate for yourself
• If what's inside yourself deviates from social expectations, then it'll be vulnerable
• Remember, things that are truly genuine are often polarizing, vulnerable, and difficult to talk about
• However, this vulnerability will make you feel more alive then ever before
• If you're able to cultivate this vulnerability with others then you'll both feel much more alive
• Don't force toxic friend groups, instead learn to surround yourself with heathy friend groups that share your values and vulnerabilities

Summary

1. People Are Fake And Superficial To Match Social Expectations
2. People Build Defense Mechanisms In Order To Not Get Hurt
3. It Can Be Very Hard To Overcome Social Exclusion And Rejection
4. Interdependence > Codependence
5. Communication Is Difficult Because Our Language Is Flawed And We All Interpret Things Differently
6. In Order To Be Truly Genuine, We Have To Be Honest Even If We/They Don't Understand And It Hurts Them/Us

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